The Most Important Step - BACKPOST

Posted on Tue Aug 18th, 2026 @ 5:01am by Lieutenant JG Jacob Rosen & Remal Kajun

3,375 words; about a 17 minute read

Mission: Character Development
Location: Sunfire Counseling Office
Timeline: Current-ish

Jacob stood outside the doors to the Counseling Suite, mustering the courage to press the chime. It was funny, this wasn't his first time attending counseling, but every time he established care with a new provider he had that same feeling of restlessness. Officially, Jacob's return to active duty was contingent upon attending regular mental health counseling however since transferring to the Sunfire there hadn't been much time. If he was being honest, he wasn't entirely upset at the lack of opportunity. Still, T'Lar was right... as usual. Jacob owed it to himself, and those he cared about, to continue to take the next step forward.

With a sharp breath in and a slow exhale, Jacob activated the door panel and stepped through. Walking to the reception desk with his usual friendly smile and confident stride. He immediately noted that the decor and lighting in the reception area was warmer, more comfortable.

"Afternoon, I'm Lieutenant Rosen. I believe I am Counselor Remal's 1300 appointment?"

The receptionist looked up from her terminal and returned Jacob's smile with a polite one of her own. "Good afternoon, Lieutenant Rosen." She tapped a few controls, her eyes briefly scanning the schedule before looking back up. "Yes, you're right on time."

She offered an apologetic smile. "Counselor Remal stepped away for just a moment to check on his daughter. He asked me to let you know that if you arrived before he returned, you should go ahead and make yourself comfortable in his office. He said he'll be right back."

She gestured toward the open doorway leading deeper into the counseling suite. "Second door on the left."

"Thanks." Jacob replied as he walked down the hall, noticing the first door with a steel placard with Starfleet standard font. Lieutenant (JG) T'Lar. He smiled, lingering a moment as the memory of T'Lar instructing him in motorcycle riding bubbled up to the surface. He was sure that he was going to end up as paste on the surface of the asphalt more than a few times during their trip. Her encouragement paid off, Jacob had to admit he very much enjoyed motorcycles now.

Moving on to the open doorway with the placard stenciled Counselor Remal Jacob walked inside and sat in one of the chairs, absentmindedly looking about the room and looking at the various artwork from the Counselor's children and photographs of his family. It felt different than the typical office with Starfleet Counselors he had become familiar with. Warmer and more personable, less of the spartan utilitarian look.

Less than two minutes later, footsteps approached from the corridor before Remal appeared in the doorway. He was dressed simply for duty, a PADD tucked beneath one arm, his expression carrying the sort of easy warmth that put people at ease without trying. "Lieutenant Rosen?" he asked with a welcoming smile. "Remal Kajun. Thank you for your patience."

He gave a small, apologetic chuckle. "My little one occasionally decides she's commanding the entire childcare center. The teachers are wonderfully patient, though I'm fairly certain she's convinced she's the one in charge."

Crossing to the replicator, he glanced back over his shoulder. "May I offer you something to drink? Tea, coffee, water?" Before Jacob could answer, Remal added gently, "Whatever helps you to feel more comfortable?"

"Water would be great, thank you Counselor." Jacob replied, already picking up on the difference from Starfleet Counselors he had experience with in the past and felt a bit of tension he hadn't realized was there relax in his shoulders. Accepting the cup, Jacob took a sip of the cool water and sat back in the chair. Placing the cup down onto the side table, he rotated it until the Federation of Planets logo faced him, split by a bead of condensation rolling down lazily.

"It is a pleasure to meet finally, T'Lar speaks highly of you." Jacob said, turning back to Remal. "And thank you for adding me to your schedule so quickly."

Remal settled into the chair opposite him, his posture relaxed and open. As Jacob adjusted the glass on the table, carefully turning the Federation emblem until it faced him, Remal took quiet notice of the small ritual. Not a conclusion, merely another piece of the man sitting across from him.

"Think nothing of it," Remal replied. "One of the luxuries of being a civilian is that my schedule has room to breathe." A warm smile touched his face. "T'Lar has been a welcome addition to the counseling department. Three Vulcans to one Bajoran keeps me humble. Some days I wonder if I'm simply here to remind everyone that emotions aren't a design flaw."

He chuckled softly before the humor faded into an attentive calm. "But we didn't come here to talk about them." He met Jacob's eyes, "If you're comfortable with it, may I call you Jacob?"

"Yes, of course." Jacob replied, taking a sip of the water before placing it back on the coaster.

He waited for the answer before continuing. "Good." He gave a small nod. "Where would you like to begin?"

Jacob exhaled, pleasantries were over and it was time for the reason he was here. "I, uh." He paused, gathering his thoughts before continuing. "I regularly experience nightmares... That's not exactly accurate. I have dreams where I my memories of the Dominion War resurface. I'm coping better than in the past, I still can carry out my duties. I know that I am not back there, that I can't change anything that happened." Jacob looked up, making eye contact again. "Sorry. I am rambling." He noticed, sheepishly that his hands felt clammy and he had begun to sweat. Focusing on his breathing, he slowed down his heart rate and returned to an even calm.

"Rambling suggests you've been carrying this alone for quite some time," Remal observed gently. "There's no need to apologize for that here." He waited a moment, allowing the silence to become an invitation rather than an expectation.

Remal then said quietly, "I noticed your breathing; you've already tempered it without me asking. That's a good sign. It tells me you're here in the moment, and not somewhere else." He offered a reassuring smile. "Now... when those dreams come, what is it that sticks with you afterward? The images themselves... or the feelings they leave behind?"

"I think the images and the feelings aren't something I'm able to separate," Jacob said, scratching his beard thoughtfully. "At least not completely, and I don't know that there will ever be a complete fix. Part of me thinks this is just how life is going to be and that finding purposeful work back in the fleet is how I'm going to make my way through it." Jacob sighed. "That's not exactly working, though."

Remal listened without interruption, allowing Jacob's words to settle before answering. "Some experiences never diminish," he said quietly. "The War changed everyone it touched in one way or another."

He leaned back slightly, his posture remaining open. "The fact that you're here tells me you haven't surrendered. You've continued serving. You've continued building relationships. You've continued looking for purpose. They're the actions of someone who's choosing to still walk forward, even if the road has become steeper than he'd like."

A gentle smile touched his face. "And we're not looking to solve the entire journey today. We are here to find a place to begin." He let the air breathe a moment before asking, "So let me leave the choice entirely with you. We can start wherever it feels safest... to you."

"Returning to Active Duty and accepting a Department Head position, I had this idea that I would learn how to be what I needed as an Ensign." Jacob said, taking a sip from his water before continuing. "And I'm thankful, there are plenty of excellent role models here. The Captain trusted me in the last mission and I didn't let her down. It just feels like that scared kid on the Bridge is still in there. At any moment, I could lose it and become him again. Stunned and out of my depth, paralyzed by the pressure."

"Every morning I walk into the Ops Office before reporting to my station on the Bridge and I have this crushing feeling I'm going to let my guys down." Jacob laughed. "I don't really know how the Captain and Commanders do it, so I just plaster this smile on my face." He breathed in and out slowly, processing as the words came to him. "I want to learn how to manage that fear. The fear of losing everything I've built back up."

Remal was quiet for a moment, considering the man rather than the words. "You've become very good at recognizing your fear," he said. "What I don't yet know is whether you've become equally good at recognizing your progress."

He folded his hands loosely in his lap. "I spent some time looking over your file. I know this isn't your first experience with counseling." His tone remained conversational rather than clinical. "Tell me... what have you already tried? And perhaps more importantly, what do you feel has actually helped?"

He gave Jacob permission to think before continuing. "I'd rather understand what's been working for you, even if only a little. Then we can build from there."

"My last provider primarily utilized a combination of EMDR and medication. Before I received my transfer orders we had started more Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as they thought I was over the hump." Jacob scratched the back of his neck before continuing. "Personally I think I am getting more out of the CBT. I don't think we ever got the dosage right on the SSRI's, and the EMDR... well I relive those memories enough on my own."

Remal listened thoughtfully before giving a slow nod. "That tells me quite a bit." He rested one ankle across the other, settling comfortably into the conversation. "CBT appeals to the part of you that likes to understand process. You recognize a thought, challenge it, replace it. There's real value in that, and I wouldn't ask you to abandon something that's helping."

His expression grew more thoughtful. "EMDR serves many people well, though it isn't the right fit for everyone. If each session feels like reopening a wound you've already visited a hundred times, I can understand why you'd begin to dread it."

He folded his hands loosely. "I'm less interested in finding the 'correct' therapy than I am in finding the one that helps you to move forward. That said, listening to you, I don't hear someone trapped by memories. I hear someone who spends a great deal of energy, trying to avoid, becoming the man he was during the moment they occured." He let that thought settle. "Those are related problems, though they are not the same."

"Sometimes healing isn't found by pushing the memories away, nor by reliving them over and over." He smiled faintly. "Sometimes it's found by learning that you can stand in their presence without allowing them to consume you."

"Your previous counselor helped you survive the war." Remal's tone remained gentle. "From what I've read, the years afterward proved just as costly. Your marriage, your time away from Starfleet, wandering without much direction..." He paused. "Those losses interest me every bit as much as Chintoka does."

"Tell me something, Jacob." Remal leaned forward only slightly. "When you picture yourself at your lowest... is your mind still standing on the bridge at Chintoka? Or is it somewhere afterward, when the war had already taken too much from you?"

"I am standing in the kitchen of my mother's house. Lauren presses her wedding band into my palm and leaves. The voices of my family around me turns to this far away sound as I stare at the ring in my hand. I knew that it was coming but I was unable, or unwilling really, to course correct. Without a word, I walk out of the house going anywhere and nowhere."

Jacob's voice caught briefly before continuing. "I find myself outside the house of Commander Benjamin's family. I don't know how long it takes me to travel there but I remember making eye contact with her son in the window. I can't bring myself to ring the doorbell, and I leave." Jacob took a long drink from his cup before continuing, gathering his thoughts. "That's what broke the last bit of who I was. I could not even face the people who would most understand and needed to hear from me."

"That's when I headed South. Running away for a time, at least until I could start to pick up the pieces again." Jacob smiled, thinking of days hitchhiking and sailing, crashing on couches and waiting tables. "Sometimes you can't think about where you're going, you just need to put one foot in front of the other."

Remal was quiet for several moments. He did not rush to fill the space Jacob had opened. A small, thoughtful smile touched his face. "Sometimes putting one foot in front of the other is all a person has left. There's nothing shameful about that."

His expression remained warm. "And eventually you found your way back." Remal leaned forward slightly. "Because, perhaps the fear you're carrying onto the bridge every morning isn't really the fear that you'll fail your department."

He let the speculation hang there. "Perhaps you're afraid that one failure will become another Chintoka. That one mistake will become another kitchen. Another ring in your hand. Another door you can't bring yourself to knock on."

He watched Jacob carefully. "Does that feel close to the truth?"

"That feels precisely accurate." Jacob nodded in response at the succinct analysis.

Remal nodded slowly. "You've survived by moving. You've proven that you know how to survive even when you don't know what comes next." His gaze remained on Jacob, patient and curious. He smiled faintly. "And eventually, you found your way back to Starfleet. So? What brought you back?"

"I think being out here, doing the work. That's where I need to be, on a ship is where I belong." Jacob said matter of factly. "I was working a small fishing boat coming back into Fajardo down in Puerto Rico. We're pulling back into the dock, and I just have this feeling like I know what I want at that moment. It was this moment of clarity as my hands are busy, I feel like I have unfinished business. There's more adventure out there, and maybe I can use my experiences to do some good."

Remal listened quietly, his expression thoughtful. "So it wasn't an order that brought you back, that's good." he said. "That suggests that sense of unfinished business was still there. The part of you that wanted to make a difference hadn't disappeared." A small smile touched his face. "That sounds less like running back to something and more like choosing something."

"So, a day later I find myself on a transport heading back for Starfleet Headquarters with no plan." Jacob continued, laughing nervously. "Personnel took me back with the mandatory Counseling requirement. Which is not just fair, but they're right. I need to keep working on this."

Remal gave a small nod. "The counseling requirement may have put you back in the system, but it didn't put you on that transport." There was a hint of warmth in his expression. "You'd already decided you wanted to return."

He paused, considering Jacob for a moment. "That's helpful for us to know. You have a reason for being here that belongs only to you, and I wouldn't want therapy to become another obligation you endure simply because someone else decided you need it."

He leaned back slightly. "If this work is going to help you stay, then I'd rather we understand what that drive is built on. What is it about being out here that makes you feel like you belong?"

Jacob thought for a moment, taking a sip while he processed the question. "There's this feeling when whatever the ship's mission was, is over and we're in that state in between new orders. Every time I've felt this, on every ship. You look back at what you accomplished with these people, and it's always hard, but we did it. We finished the mission together." He half smiled, returning his gaze to Remal. "I have never let it fade, I'm still able to appreciate the value of a group of vastly different individuals doing the impossible. I want to be out here, doing hard things with these amazing people because at that moment right after we've done the impossible, I feel pretty amazing too. And I know what you're going to say, I know my value doesn't come from the work that I do."

Remal smiled faintly. "I might have said something along those lines." He let the smile linger for a moment before continuing. "But you're right. You've heard it before." His expression became thoughtful. "Your value doesn't depend on what you accomplish. That doesn't mean that what you accomplish is meaningless."

Remal studied him for a moment. "There's belonging, Jacob, and there's achievement." He paused. "So perhaps that's another piece of what we're looking for. Not so much how to convince you that you're valuable. I think you already understand that." A small smile returned. "Perhaps we need to understand why the possibility of losing that belonging frightens you so much."

Jacob chewed on that for a long moment, this was something he had never considered before. The fear of losing his place, his work and goals. Why did it exist and why was it so powerful? "I don't think I'm afraid of being alone." He said, thinking out loud. "I'm quite comfortable on my own, with my thoughts." Jacob stroked his beard absentmindedly. "I think, even amongst the danger, being on a ship feels safe to me. In a manner that wandering around the Caribbean and South America never did." He let the statement hang, thinking about it, wondering at the why.

Remal smiled faintly. “You've provided us with a plentitude of emotional material to work with,” he said, the hint of humor taking some of the weight from the words. “I think we've found enough for one session.” He leaned back, giving Jacob room to sit with what he had just said. “For next time, I want you to think about that distinction. You can be alone anywhere, but you feel safe here. What is it about the ship, the people, or the work that gives you that feeling?”

He let the question settle before adding, “Mind you, you don't have to solve it. Just try to notice when you feel it. What's happening around you, what you're doing, and who you're with. Bring those observations back with you.” A small smile returned. “Sometimes understanding begins with paying attention to the questions.”

Jacob nodded with an appreciative smile before rising to his feet. "Thank you Counselor, I will." Feeling both lighter and that familiar bit of not quite physical tiredness that came after most Counseling sessions he had attended. He had quite a bit to consider between now and their next meeting. Jacob looked back to Remal. "See you around, Remal, let me know if you all need anything here in the meantime." Knocking on the door frame as it hissed open, Jacob strode from the room, humming the theme to the ancient children's program The Muppet Show.

Remal watched him disappear into the corridor, the faint humming following him for another moment before the doors closed. He smiled to himself and shook his head.

There was something encouraging about Jacob's restlessness. Remal noted that he had arrived carrying a great deal, but he had also arrived willing to examine it. More importantly, he had not spent the session asking Remal to fix him. He had been trying to simply understand himself.

Remal glanced down at his PADD, then back toward the closed door. There was plenty to work with. And, he suspected, Jacob had already found the relevant piece. He had chosen of his own volition to come back.

TBC

 

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